It’s a saddening realization when you fully grasp the fact that the people you once thought were your best friends? They really aren’t. They’re not really there for you. Or they lie and try to manipulate you. Go behind your back. Scheme against you. Ignore you. Blow you off. They’re not really your best friends anymore. Sure, they might’ve been the ones you once confided the most in, the ones you were most comfortable with, but they aren’t those people anymore. They’ve changed and have forgotten about you. They no longer need you, and all you can do is be strong enough to not need them either.
Love this kid. I love how comfortable we are with each other and how we are still both here today despite all the things that has threatened to tear us apart.
My tolerance level has gone down so much ever since my sophomore year started only a few months ago. I used to look only for the good things in everyone and everything, but once I’ve opened my eyes to the number of liars and backstabbers out there, it’s just not the same. I don’t seek out the bad side in people, but they eventually show it to me anyways. Whether it’s their insane hypocritisy, how unnecessarily mean and impolite they are to people who don’t deserve that kind of shit, or the simple fact that they preach about how important personality is and then go around rating girls ugly just for the fun of it. I can’t stand people like that, or people who carry themselves around thinking they are above all. Thinking they’re better than everyone else just because they got a better body, or people in general think them pretty, or because they’re dating an upperclassmen as a freshman in high school. Who cares? Sit back down, and stop being a little bitch because everyone in high school has their own insecurities and problems, and it’s unfair of you to look down on them because you thin you’re better. It’s unfair of you to pick on them because they don’t meet your athletic standards. It’s unfair of you to rate girls as ugly while preaching about how the only important thing is personality and all girls should feel loved. You know what, if I was given a rating of 1/10, I wouldn’t feel all that loved. God, I can’t stand people at all. Everybody in high school is either a bully, a hypocrite, a backstabbing manipulative friend who pretends to have your back, or a little bitch who thinks she’s so much better than you ‘cos of your clothes, money, looks, or boyfriend.
I can’t wait to get out of here.
They become someone you can’t even say you know, or maybe they’ve always been this way and I failed to realize it until now. What kind of person lies to their friend’s face time after time after time and expect to just get away with it? What kind of person swears up and down to stay clean and then teases their friend for being sober? What kind of person tells their friend not to come to them anymore if they get hurt even though they’d do the exact same thing? I can hardly trust anyone or tolerate anyone anymore, because most of the people I thought I knew really aren’t the people I could even consider a decent person.
I’m sorry for consistently being sad all the time. I’m sorry for having a pessimistic mindset. I’m sorry that I don’t always take into consideration of how grateful I should be. I’m sorry that I fail to recognize my blessings everyday. I’m sorry that the negatives outweigh the positives in my life and I’m sorry that sometimes I forget people have it worse than me and I shouldn’t be complaining anyways. But you know what, I’m sorry that I constantly have to apologize for things I shouldn’t be sorry for because of how my mind functions. Nothing will change my perspective on how I view things and no matter how hard I try, I will just forever be sad.
And I just have to continue apologizing for everything for being such a despairing individual. Sorry.
I really wish I had more honest people in my life. I’m emotionally drained, from all the stress my parents put on me every single day, and emotionally drained from the stress of finding out the number of lies told to my face and the number of promises made to me that are always broken. All I want is to be happy again. I want to wake up in the morning and smile, feel beautiful. I don’t want to cry myself to sleep every single night feeling like I’m just not good enough for anyone. I want to feel loved and supported instead of the other way around. But it seems the harder I try and the harder I fight, the more I just end up messing everything up. Like I really can’t do anything without it blowing up in my face. What the hell is wrong with me.